Message to Mr. Hs.

I am in no position to say anything. I just want to vent for now. Because come tomorrow, I will be leaving for 2 weeks in preparation for the board exams. That’s the longest I have to leave home, and truthfully, I’m scared. I’m sad because my family won’t be able to celebrate my birthday in a week, because the review is more like house arrest, really. A prison for two weeks. One I am willing and happy to go through. But still, I’m scared.

I’m making it through three weeks without him. And it’s hard. Really hard. I love him so much that it hurts to even think of him. But I just want to let this out, and I know most, if not all, wouldn’t understand. That’s okay, what’s important is somebody to know how I feel.

When a friend asked me what happened, I didn’t know what to say either. He told me he was leaving for Singapore in a few weeks. Mixed emotions; an ambivalence of not seeing him again and knowing he’ll be fulfilling a part of his dream. Then, boom. He disappeared. People who know me will concede that I am very, very impatient. Three days, not a blip on the radar. I was worried, and messaging him made me look like an idiot, a desperate other woman. 

I got tired. I had to focus on my studies, and that shitty scare I had of the unknown consequences of a onetime act petrified me. Of all things I hate, it’s being LIED to. He messaged me back after three days, explaining he had to go back to him hometown or something, and left his phone off. Funny, because I tried to call him, and his phone was on. This wasn’t the first time the details were kept out. Lies build more lies.

And no, I’m not guiltless. I know I’ve said things which are hurtful, and I apologized. Those hurt. A lot. I know. I’m sorry. My insecurities, my fears. They’re contagious. But they’re a part of me; that’s the entire package deal. There are no sales or rebates.

I wonder if all the things you said were even real. I wonder if you even ever loved me. I stare at the ceiling at night and those memories with you are starting to blur, replacing everything good with bad. I loved you, still do, but the doubt is killing me. I am a person. What were you thinking? I wish you just never came back to my life if you just wanted to leave a huge crater in it and never intend to fix it. Filth is in me. Filth, filth, filth.

I am so angry and disappointed and unhappy. I smile, I try to pretend I’m all right, but deep down I just want a way out. I’m so tired, so, so tired. I don’t even know what to do after the board examinations. I look through your blog and I want to burn your entire page because of the blatant lies and I hope you damn see this because if you do, a piece of you cared enough to know how I am doing and I tell you, I am a goddamn wreck. 

Lies. Just lies. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’ll become a good husband to your wife and a terrific dad to your kid. You take good care of them and love them and make them feel special like you did with everyone of us you “loved”. 

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I met Tim first and never you. I wish I could love him back but I can’t because it’ll always be you, you, you. I hate you for that, for ruining everyone who can give me a shot at happiness. And I hate myself for acknowledging you did that.

Turning 21 in six days and already a mess.

I am tired. So tired. I need to focus now. I need the two week rest from you and from everyone.

Hello, this is anxiety calling. Board examinations in 15 days. Prayers, preparation and focus. God bless us.

I just have to let this out.

Dear YOU.

I have been in love with you for five months. That may be a short while to most people, but for me, a person who’s never loved before, that was almost a lifetime. I’m almost 21 and love was as alien to me as coffee mixed with mayonnaise. Then, imagine the coffee meeting sugar for the first time. A nebula. Add a dash of cream. A whole damn galaxy.

That’s what happened when I met you. You changed me. From a clingy, unhappy person, you made me into an even more dependent person. I hate you for that. A parasite, leeching off from other’s strengths and worming my worries into their hearts.

I hate myself for letting you in. You are married, intimately, faithfully and legally bound to someone else. My morals vanished in a snap. The things we did, the thoughts we had, they are filthy, vile and absolutely unthinkable. Koi no yokan, with you and a child and a wife? No matter  how you say it, how we see it - I am the other woman. What were we thinking?

I never regretted us. I never want to forget how we were. The feelings I had, the dreams we shared, they were real. But not realistic. I love you, so so much that the only thing I can do now is try to suppress everything, deny I am hurting and bury myself in my studies. I am doing great, actually. Great because I wanted to prove to everyone you were worth it. Now, I am doing it for myself. Because I want to redeem myself, in the eyes of others, in the eyes of my family, of God.

I am wretched. Where were you when I needed you most? That’s what pushed me to face reality. I just want to be myself again. People now tell me I don’t smile enough, that the sadness is etched on my face. I want to be happy again.

I miss you. I love you very, very much that it hurts to even be here now. Every tear, every letter, every thought, they are with you. Be happy. Let me be happy. Let us be over.

OFFICIAL HIATUS.

62 days before the final hurdle - the Philippine Nursing Licensure Exam.

Thank you all to my lovely followers, I will be momentarily putting my blog on HOLD until June 4, 2013. God bless each and every one of you. Please do stay safe and keep each other happy.

Pray for me.

きっといつも君は知らなくて、
手を繋いでもう遠くにいて、
悲しみのつたが巻き上がる空こぼれる。

Surely I’ll never understand you,
And you’re too far to hold your hand,
So the sky is rolled within vines of sadness. 

(Source: killheji, via parsimon-y)